Fin

It never leaves your mind once it’s there.

You can’t not know.

It seemed like it might have been too good to be true, and that everything you knew was all that could be. So it was.

What more could you want? Knowing is all we are.

Once you realize you are going to die, you already have.

Living your life steadily as can, biding your time.

Second by second, just a memory playing forwards through time.

Reinvention

Something new rises from the destruction,
This ideology remembers itself.
Even if it is speaking to no one anymore, it will find an audience.
Seeking retribution and denying any ill will, it grows.
The flower withstands the harsh winter.

Negativity seeds itself deep, laid into the seams.
Uprooted and forgotten, the only torn remains speak softly.
What they say is almost unintelligible.
 But still sounds sound.

Now is the importance, and then was her moment.
There will be others because there must be.
New is different from what we knew.
Even now, there's something we always will know.

To deny thyself is to deny change.
Changing constantly and still finding its faults.
Who I am and what I will, will be what I am to become.
Nothing can repress it.
That is what I've always been. Afraid of change.

Consistency is key.

Once

A shadow that needs its freedom
Is no less deserving than the lonely cloud no one sees.
Floating by and watching the world disappear,
That is what bleeds into the pages.

The small gust that pushes the trees longs for more.
All of our troubles crave importance, but for one moment this cloud lingers.
Wind passes through and the sound it makes no one can hear.
Just once, it wants to hear its own voice.

We are so lucky.
Perhaps.
The cloud can leave.
Perhaps we are not so lucky.
The loneliness found in the night sky is mine alone,
And so the sky becomes clear.

Just once I want a different dream.
But like the shadow, I am here.
And she is so very dear.

Unsound Memory

Even if this is something you will never come to find,
Then at least someone will know it was on my mind.
The lasting thought of you and me,
Will forever be an unsound memory.

Rising Sun

It's been too long since we've spoken.
I feel like I'm trying to fix something that is forever, broken.
But before I admit defeat and start my early retreat, I'll share with you this thought:
Is that all that you remember, or have you forgot?
Do you not care at all?
Or to you, was it really that small?
It seems to me that it remains in the entrails of your being.
It has been resting, it has been seething.
Do not let it fester, it is not an existence of hate.
It is not something so cliche as fate.
You had become a part of me, and unto you, you were all I could see.
The time I've spent was something that others have came and went;
For I have remained true to you and stay, in that respect, the same.
All that we have found together:
None of it will ever weather.
The things we found true about us,
Will remain strong regardless;
 Never will those bonds break or weaken,
Others have the idea, but the truth is beneath them.
Only you and I have seen what love can be,
And as the sun rises above the sea,
It lifts over all, and finds it's place near her.
It rests near the farther side of the sea it finds so dear;
For any wave could entice him
And this device would hypnotize any other eyes,
But not in this once peculiar instance;
He seeks one specific audience.
The sun dances and anticipates the moment before he and his love can nest.
As the day grows long, he comes closer to her for a much needed rest.
The rising sun has come and gone, and while the day lasted long,
He need not fear, for he'd find where he would truly belong.
Near his love,
The sea he played with close above.
And as the sun finds the gentle touch of the sea,
I remain alone, with only a simple memory.
Your face is the only thought that remains,
And I would never say that you are to blame.
I simply alone feel the sorrow and the shame.
I only hope you never will have to feel the same.
But as the sun has completely lost itself beneath the cover of the ocean,
Then I too will stroll away with my sense of devotion.
You don't need me, and you are happier, anyone could see.
Now as the light has left me, and as I feel truly empty,
I wish you all the best, and as I look up to the dark sky, I digress;
To gaze at the endless stars I imagine a world very, very far.
Then something catches my eye,
A shimmering star, alone flies high.
Maybe it is because the star is truly alone in the sky,
That people feel it's something lucky to catch flying by.
But like the star, I too know what it's like to be alone.
And still together, we both know what we have always known.
As I make my way back to my coaxing home,
Like the star, I've always shone.

Falling Man

I long hunger and resent the notion of rest.
I am restless.
I am full of hate.
The emptiness is evident when there's no one around.
The pain is the only company I keep, and the only narcissistic thought I keep is that I alone know this feeling.
This specific pain with a name.
She only matters when she is remembered.
And I wish I would remember to forget her.
I wish I could.
I know I should.
There isn't a reason, just what memory serves.

Changes

So I've decided that it is time for some real substantial change.
I'm quitting cigarettes starting right now. I haven't had one all day and I feel good.
Two more days and I should be over the craving stages. They say once you get past the three-day hump, it gets easier. I guess we'll see about that.
I went to work today at Anthony's with a better attitude. I tried to share it with Derek.
He just sort of joked about it. Well I'm serious dammit. I joined a gym yesterday with Johann and Karl.
Going to go every day to every other day with them and seriously commit to a good work-out regiment. It feels good to be active and smoking cigarettes hurts my physical capabilities.
That brings me to another note: I want to quit drinking again.
Not totally altogether, but definitely slow it down. I drink every night, even if it is a little, I do.
That's not helpful.
Alcohol is still a depressant and I have to admit, it charms me into the wrong light.
I'm left there when I wake up in the morning, and it's a world full of wishes and half-thought motives.
Well I'm tired of that, and I'm tired of being tired.
It's time I stopped making excuses. I'm not saying that this one moment is going to change my whole life, but I have to start somewhere. The only way that I can be happy and successful is if I work and try so that's what I'm going to do.
Drinking was a form of self-gratification. I was supplying myself with happiness momentarily and numbing my world of problems, but the fact of the matter is that not everything is as it should be and it's not going to get there by itself.
I have to change it.
So I'll start with myself.
I only told Derek about this, and I'm not going to tell anyone else until it's actually reached fruition.
This is going to save me money and generally make me feel better.
Feels good to know I don't have to worry about this any longer.
I'm not going to buy alcohol anymore.
I will only drink if it is for a special occasion, otherwise I won't look for a reason to drink.
I'm ok with that.
Don't need it. I can find happiness elsewhere, not at the bottom of the bottle.